The pains began suddenly. At first it was a twinge. Then a longer pull. I realized that this was not an alarm. This WAS the real thing. The journey of bringing a life into this world. It was the most amazingly, beautiful experience of my life. I left an empowered woman. Ever since that day my life has poured all it can into parenting. Loving. Providing. Protecting. Being. I’ve tried to not fear the future. And theories. Oh did I have theories. And then they decided to take my theories and prove them wrong. Smashing my confidence and my heart into a million pieces. Now here I am, sitting in my own mess, wondering what the heck happened to my life?
They say the teen years will test your parenting, your marriage, even your identity. It doesn’t just test it…it takes a sledge hammer wrecking havoc with every blow. And with every blow I try to fight but most of the time I just cower and wilt. I curl into a ball and ask that someone please wake me up when it’s over. When it comes to the hard stuff, I’m falling woefully short.
I was praying recently about how to handle life with as much grace and mercy that I can muster. I’m not sure you could call it prayer. More like a screaming tirade…but nevertheless I was talking to Abba about what to do. Because, honestly, I have NO idea what I’m doing. There is no book, no manual, no counselor, no person or thing available to ease the pain. The anxiety. The overwhelming fear. So I do a lot of talking…screaming…at Abba.
“This hurts. This hurts and I just want it to end. I’m sorry for whatever I did wrong.”
Silence. Because, that’s typically how it goes. I vent. He is silent.
“I don’t know how to be a parent. I don’t know how to let them go, so they can make this transition, and it not hurt so bad. Why didn’t you tell me this would feel like someone was ripping an arm from my body?”
“Do you even listen? Or am I the crazy mad person screaming at the top of her lungs in the car?”
As the husband says…crickets.
“How am I supposed to come up with something, a response…if you won’t speak? Throw me a life line here Abba…I’m drowning.”
He doesn’t speak. But I feel. Peace. I can’t explain how in the midst of all this pain, of the tearing away of my heart from theirs, how I just feel a sense of peace. That even in the midst of chaos, even if this never ends, and the tear in the fabric of our universe is never repaired on this side of Heaven, that one day it will be redeemed.
It doesn’t make this road easier. It doesn’t end the countless hours spent on couches trying to keep our sanity and our marriage in one piece. It doesn’t end the underlying tension that pulses through our home now. It doesn’t even bring us hope, some days hope seems as much a possibility as the existence of unicorns. But my soul, it stays calm and beats to the rhythm of peace.
John 14:27 – “I am leaving you with a gift—peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid.”
And I just have to accept that’s his answer. Peace. Whatever that may look like. His answer is peace.