I am trying to say nothing. Feel nothing. Do nothing. Trying to follow the principles of mercy, love and grace. I am keenly aware that I’m failing as the person is getting increasingly agitated by the minute. I feel trapped in a situation where I have no escape. I want to scream, respond…I just listen. “You are angry.” No. No I try to explain. I’m not angry. Just hurt. Disappointed. I try to explain my position further. It only makes the situation more heated. I just decide to stop. “Let’s not talk about it. I don’t want to fight.” The white flag of surrender. The putting down my desire to be right. To have my voice heard. To have my emotions…my feelings validated.
I begin to talk with Abba as we continue along, now in silence. I’m aware of a nagging pain in the side of my body. I can’t get a deep breath. And I am trapped. I hate feeling this way. So I ask him, “Please help me see. Please help me to show your love, your mercy, your kindness.” I don’t need to be right. I don’t need to be justified. I don’t need to do anything but be an empty vessel. An empty vessel that Abba can fill up with whatever it is he desires to fill me with. Somehow the turning myself inside out to him brings calm to my heart. The situation is not mine to handle. It’s not mine to judge. It’s not mine to rebel against. So I just let it go. The tension eases and I find myself laughing and relaxing.
Later I pray about what is ailing me. And I get a response from the word. From Lamentations 3.
22 Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
23 They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
24 I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him.”
The phrase “his mercies are new every morning” sticks with me. I realize that his mercies are indeed new every morning. Every morning is a day where things have not yet happened. What happened yesterday can own me or I can choose to let it go and walk in the renewed day. I can choose to hold on to perceived injustices, wrongs or hurt and they can own me and keep me chained to yesterday. Or I can choose to hold on to the faithfulness of Abba and his mercies and move forward. I have learned the best way to live is to let go, choose mercy and embrace the day I have today. It brings me peace and it allows me to treat others with the love and mercy of the Father. It brings healing to a situation and not further division. It means that although the situation bothers me, it will not change the way I treat the other people in my life. It means that I have to remember, his mercies are new for me AND they are new for the other person. I have no right to go beyond where Abba goes.
This Kingdom Living is hard work. It’s a daily journey of letting go, putting on armor and walking in faith. But it’s worth it. Worth it all.