Forgiving is love’s toughest work, and love’s biggest risk. If you twist it into something it was never meant to be, it can make you a doormat or an insufferable manipulator. Forgiving seems almost unnatural. Our sense of fairness tells us people should pay for the wrong they do. But forgiving is love’s power to break nature’s rule. ~Lewis B. Smedes
It seems to me that God is really trying to get this concept across to my little self. Forgiveness. Forgive. Don’t let the sun go down on your wrath. Forgive. Forgive. Forgive.
What if I DON’T WANT TO FORGIVE GOD? What if I didn’t want to forgive you? What if my Son did not want to give his life as a sin offering for YOU? OUCH.
This is the type of conversations I keep having in my head. My dreams are tormenting me. They are mixed with people from my past and present and don’t make any sense. I am consistently finding myself in the company of people who live a life of true forgiveness. All things are leading to forgiveness.
But what do I need to forgive? I didn’t do anything wrong. I am not the one who broke the trust. I am not the one who made the choices.
Ah, but the forgiveness is for me. Forgiveness is not for him or them…it’s for me. For my peace. My sanity. My comfort.
Do I forgive you for raising me in a cultish religious faith?
Do I forgive you for sending me to a school where I was beat black and blue with a 2×4?
Do I forgive you for not working and taking care of your family? Do I forgive you for giving my mother no other option but to return to work? Do I forgive you because that resulted in me being continuously molested by the neighbor’s son for 4 years?
Do I forgive you for every time you made me feel like I wasn’t good enough because I wasn’t the boys you had lost?
Do I forgive you for the times you made me feel like I was dirty…that I was doing something wrong?
Do I forgive you for all the pain, tears, anxiety, scars and nightmares that make up who I am?
Do I forgive you for the pain you inflicted on my nieces and nephews…my aunt…my mother…my brothers…my sisters…and me.
Do I forgive you for the crack you have caused in your family?
Do I forgive you for depriving us of a father, a grandfather, an uncle, a brother?
That’s a lot of forgiveness that needs to occur. I don’t want to. Really, I’d like to just believe that you will rot in hell…but I know you are already there. A lifetime away from God somehow doesn’t seem justice, but I will not allow my mind to make God something he is not to justify my pain.
The thing is that ultimately, I will forgive my father. It won’t mean that I’m willing to rebuild a relationship with him, because there is no mandate in the Bible for me to do that. However, I will let him be who he is. I will not try to change the past or the future.