I am not sure where to begin. I think the best way is to not even worry about the elements of a good blog. I think tonight, I just want to share my heart. Pure. Unedited.
God has a design. The Psalmist wrote in Psalms 139:13 – You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. NLT. And the profit Jeremiah again wrote these words, “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart.” Jeremiah 1:5. And although I firmly believe that the laws of nature and biology are set and that I am the result of the mixture of my parent’s genetics, I do believe that my Abba, God the Father, had a plan once I breathed my first breath.
I was born very much a girl. And despite my prayers, I became a woman. And a woman, at her very core is not just beautiful, and feminine and nurturing,. She is all these amazing things that bring life onto this planet. That is her design. Her female body, from head to toe is designed to bring life. Whether it is the life of another human being or a relationship or an idea. The essence of a female, in the original design, is life. And the way that God designed life to come is through her sexuality. And in the beginning, God called this very good. It was God’s design.
So, how is that woman’s identity became so twisted? How is that her sexuality has become a thing to hide, to shame, to fear, to use and be used and to throw away?
I was not a sexual child. Honestly, my psychiatrist probably had nightmares from that particular session with me. I believed I was a sexual child, because that is what I was identified as, LONG before my human development would identify me as such and even longer before I could actually understand what that meant. From the time I entered school, I was warned to stay away from boys. Not because I was some brilliant child or had a dazzling personality. But because I was a girl and girls were sexual and they would cause boys to be sexual and that was a sin. So, in order to protect the men in order to be holy, they worked on removing my sexuality.
Now. this wasn’t intentional. I will give them that much. I don’t think they actually set out on doing something so crazy as trying to make me asexual or unfemale (is that even a term?). They honestly were just trying to do their best to “protect” me. But I think, actually know, that they had no idea what God meant by sexuality.
After having a few awkward conversations, I’ve gotten pretty good at embarrassing the heck out of my kids. It dawned on me, as we talked about flirting and foreplay and not sending naked pictures over the internet, there was a heck of a lot more to my own sexuality than the fact that I’m married to a male, and well, we’ve had sex at least 3 times, much to my daughter’s great horror. But in order for me to tell them the whole truth, I had to accept it for myself.
I’m not ready to share my journey over the last 4 years. It’s been a mixture of joy and pain AND, I’m still a little embarrassed by talking about sex on a blog my mother and even my mother-in-law reads! But one day, I will begin to share, because I know that my truth is not meant to be hidden.
In order to heal from the sexual abuse I endured as a child, I had to let God redeem my sexuality. And in that redemption, I had to face some of my biggest most painful anxiety-ridden memories. I had to face them, accept them, let go of them and let them be healed. And then I had to learn what it meant to be a woman and a mother and a wife and a daughter of Abba and embrace my sexuality.
And so tonight I’m going to do the very public thing I need to do. To finally nail those who hurt me to the cross. To let them go. And walk free of the weight that keeps tripping me up.
All I can think of is the words of Jesus…Father, please forgive them. So here goes.
Father, please forgive the man who told me that I was not good. Who told me that the way you knitted me together in my mother’s womb was sin and dirty. That my little female body was not what you wanted. Forgive him, he didn’t know what he was saying. Father. I forgive him.
Father, please forgive the boy. The boy, who wasn’t much more than a boy himself. Who took what wasn’t his to take. Who stole what I couldn’t yet give. Whose touch stayed in my memory and caused me to turn away from the touch of a man who loved me. Forgive him, he didn’t know what he was doing. Father, I forgive him.
Father, please forgive the man. The man who knew that he should not cross that boundary. Who knew the way this sin could destroy a child to the very core of their being. Who carried that same scar. And then gave that scar to his daughter. Father, forgive him, for his weakness. I forgive him.
Father, please forgive the man who loved me, but had no idea how to love one of your wounded daughter. The man who didn’t understand and hurt me furher. Father forgive him, he wasn’t ready. And because I forgive him and he forgives himself and he’s the one my soul loves…and he’s the one you designed for me.
Father, please forgive the girl. The girl who was broken and shattered and turned on herself and others. Who wounded others, the way she was wounded. Who carried that weight for so long that she’s ready to give it to you. Father, please forgive her, she had no idea. Father, I forgive myself.
It’s hard to say the words of forgiveness, because it’s not easy to give up right to revenge. To justify behaviors from pain. To forever condemn yourself. And if I know anything about forgiveness, it has to be in Abba’s time and the time of the person offering the forgiveness. And it is time. Not for the pastor, or the boy or my father. It is for me and it is for the husband and it is for our children and their futures.
1 John 1:9
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.