I became a blogger accidentally and have gone through several seasons in my writing: From a mommy blogger to a travel blogger to a homeschool blogger to a Christian Homeschool Mommy Blogger.
Intermittently I’ve shared about being sexually abused and the aftermath. I never intended to for that to become my focus. But Abba has other plans. I am being called to speak to the woman like me. To be a blogger who writes about abuse (especially sexual) and marriage. Which means … I will more than likely blog about sex. This is your warning. Just kidding … sort of.
I can just imagine the dinner conversation.
“So, you’re a blogger?”
“Yes. Yes I am.”
Voice inside my head: PLEASE don’t ask me that question…
“So what do you blog about?”
“I write about abuse and sex and marriage.”
Pretty sure they will be sorry they asked.
I know people who LOVE when I write about the hard stuff. That makes me smile. I feel most alive writing those hard posts. Sharing the raw truth of my pain. It’s therapeutic and it helps me heal. Abba knows this and he’s gently moving me into a place where I can use my voice to help other women find healing.
I also know people who wish I would quit talking about sexual abuse because “I’m just making people talk about sex.” The mere word sex drives them to cover their ears and say “la-la-la I can’t hear you.” I really wish they’d quit reading my blog because I don’t wish to offend them.
I walk a delicate balance being the raw, honest me on this blog. I risk losing people I count as friends. Which has already happened. I risk hurting people who misunderstand my words and intentions. I can do my best to avoid it, but I can’t possibly be able to know how everyone will respond. I risk bringing embarrassment or shame to my husband. That has kept me tempered more than anything.
But let me tell you a secret. One that has made me deliriously happy beyond words.
My husband is NOT ashamed of me!
We’ve endured much more than I’ve shared publicly. I have avoided talking about the main wound resulting from the abuse because it involves my husband. It’s not easy to talk about coming from our religious background. I’ve had a lot of twisted beliefs. Beliefs that were tearing our marriage apart. I had to either let go of what I was taught or endure the pain of ripping our covenant in half.
I am NOT ashamed of my past. I am not ashamed to tell people that I’m a survivor of abuse, not just sexual, but physical, emotional, mental and spiritual. I have participated in sexual sin and I’ve reaped the consequences. I am not ashamed because I have been REDEEMED. I have been given a new life. I cannot keep quiet, because he is asking me to speak. Speak about the things that make me squirm and others uncomfortable. Things that we try to keep hush-hush but only keep women trapped in bondage and darkness.
My favorite passage of scripture is from Isaiah 61. I read it often, especially when I’m feeling scared about what I’m called to do.
I will speak, not because I have words, but because my Jesus has words. I will only be the vessel he uses to bring freedom to women like me. To proclaim that he DOES do all the things that he was called to do by the Father.
For four years my family and friends have watched me grow and heal through this blog. It’s time.
Abba is moving in ways you cannot imagine. If we’re going to be a light shining on a hill, then his people need to gird up and start calling out the dark, the vile and the shameful. Not with blood and sword. But with truth and love and the light of a Savior whose blood cleanses our deepest wounds. Man uses the sword to kill. Abba uses his children to bring hope, peace, love and life abundantly.
So, I’ll speak. About how abuse harmed my soul. About the deep sexual wounds that kept me away from intimacy and love. About the lack of affection, connection and peace in my own marriage. About trust and how I’m learning to trust others around me. About a church that taught me to hate my sexuality, my body, men and ultimately, my Abba. About a husband who didn’t sign up for all this, but has come to love me and my family for who we are. About parenting teens and helping them to make different decisions. And Yes. I will talk about sex. Nothing graphic. But the truth. The truth about an amazing gift given by a creator who called it very good.
When you see me, I hope you will be able to smile and say, “You’re THAT kind of blogger!”