These are the things I remember forever. The time he showed up, unexpected, just to see me. The whispered I love you across the room. The way he cradled our newborn child. The way he says my name and my heart skips a beat. Other things I want to forget. The fights. The accusations. The indifference and apathy. The hard years when impatience and condemnation ruled. Moments of connection and disconnection that tell our story.
I wanted to be his last love — the one that mattered. I wanted to be the one he missed the minute he said goodbye; the one he wanted the minute he said hello. I wanted be safe and secure with him in our own little world.
Wasn’t that what they told me? All those stories I read? What I needed was a man to rescue me from hell, love all my broken pieces back together and live happily ever after. That’s what I thought I wanted.
Unfortunately, the husband didn’t read the same books. He didn’t know that he was supposed to love me, even at my worst. He didn’t know that a girl wants you to kiss her in front of your family and not be ashamed. He didn’t know that sometimes you have to wait a very long time to get the girl of your dreams to actually show up to the party.
He and I stumbled through life together. We’d connect and then we’d disconnect. Love would grow, then one or both of us would kill it. Year after year we’d celebrate being together, but we were not really together.
I kept waiting for him to change. To love me more. To be the husband he was supposed to be. To fix what was wrong with me. I never considered that perhaps the person who needed to change was me.
I chose to surrender. To take the first step toward reconciliation. To lay myself bare, vulnerable and broken as the day I was born. I knew that I was loved by Abba and that he required my obedience … to love without condition. I only wanted to quit fighting; I never expected renewal.
The husband watched the transformation. Love that began as something I did, became something I felt. I began to believe that love was patient, kind, honest, pure. Love was safe. I gave my heart away, expecting nothing in return. I was given more than I could ever dream or imagine.
A spontaneous moment. Repentance and prayer. Affirmation and love. Surrender to the one that sits beside me. Total. Complete. Renewal. Love Renewed.
When you take a risk. When you are willing to live on the edge. Things happen. Things that change your life to the very core.
Take the risk. Live on the edge. Let Abba renew your life.