The husband loves me. The words I longed to say are now a reality. It feels lke a dream. He is consistently reaffirming that I am loved, I am safe and I can trust him. Each day brings more depth to our relationship. I believe Abba healed the wound to our marriage. For which I’m grateful, eternally grateful.
I can’t explain why I can be so happy and have an ache that drives me to my knees. I find my thoughts going down those familiar paths. I scream NO with all I have. I will NOT go back to that place. I will not let this cursed disorder rob me of all the happiness and love that I’ve been given. I refuse to let depression rob me of one more day.
We spend hours together. Doing nothing. Doing something. Watching movies. Holding hands. Talking. Laughing. We are together. I smile. He smiles. We say nothing and say everything.
When does this disappear? When does he wake up from some enchanted spell he’s under and return to the man he was? When does the darkness envelop me and I become lost again? The beauty of love is threatened by the fear and anxiety of what was. ENOUGH. I’m not playing this game again. FEAR, you are no longer welcome here.
I can’t wait for him to get home. He is home. I hold on to him with everything I have. My safe rock. The one who makes me feel loved and whole. Abba smiles. He is happy to see his children live the way he intended.
I can feel my strength becoming stronger. I make the choice to live free of the fear that kept me trapped. I wish it wasn’t a continual choice I have to make. I wish that I could just have a brain transplant and be rid of the ADD, depression and anxiety. I know this is the cross that I bear. To walk in freedom with the curse of my human brain.
Each day we grow together. He says you can’t make up for lost time. I say we can have fun trying. Or we can just enjoy the new beginning and rest in the love that Abba has given us today. It doesn’t matter. We are together.
The human brain is complex. Mine seems more chaos than complex, but it’s my brain. Yes, it has the capacity to send me reeling into nothingness. But that same brain, it makes me alive. And I’m thankful to be alive.
The healing continues. Our hearts are being renewed. Our souls restored. Our minds transformed. I submit to Abba’s design. He knew exactly what he was doing when he knitted us together in our momma’s wombs. Instead of questioning I will accept. Accept what is. Forget what was. Embrace what will be. Yes, I could return to who I was. He could return to who he was. Worrying will only rob us of the peace. I won’t let that happen.
It’s hard work creating new pathways. Learning to deal with the difficult stuff in a healthy way. But I’m willing and ready. I have the capacity to spiral … and I have the capacity to soar. With all that is in me, I choose to soar. I choose to say no to the old ways and yes to the new.
I am ready for the next step. To make the tough decisions. To make the choices. To walk together, a force to be reckoned with. Bring it on 2015!