In 2003 we celebrated our 10–year anniversary. The husband planned a wonderful weekend away. He surprised me with a new ring and we agreed to put the past behind us. We still limped along through depression, losing his father, leaving the church and redesigning his business. In 2010 the husband decided to sell everything we had, buy an RV and travel across the country full-time. At first I hated the idea, but when I realized that it would be just our family and the implications of that, I was hooked. Before we could leave, my father was arrested and I spent the next four years recovering.
We reached our 20–year anniversary last year. Abba had been working on softening my heart towards my husband and I looked forward to spending a few days with him. We actually had an AMAZING time; I left with my head spinning. I thought that I had finally healed to the point where we could have a normal relationship. I began to let the walls around my heart down.
I don’t even remember what caused it, but we had a big fight. I was done. I decided that I was going to stay married but my heart was no longer available to be hurt again. I began to mourn the way our life had turned out and the things I felt I had lost. I didn’t see him at all.
Twenty years of struggling caught up with me one morning in April. I snapped and crossed the line he had set. He walked into his office and shut the door. That, pissed me off. So I picked up my cell phone and let him have it over text. I didn’t hold anything back. I just didn’t care anymore. I was done. He left without saying good-bye. I spent most of the day feeling a mixture of anger and extreme sadness.
On my way home from the dry cleaners I noticed the email. The one he’d sent it earlier in the day. I began to read…I’m moving out. My heart stopped. I quickly sent a text to my closest friend. “PRAY. He’s Leaving.” I walked into our house numb. I remember thinking, “You, Taunya, are the biggest fool on the planet. You deserve whatever happens to you.”
The boy had class so we dropped him off and drove to the DQ. I knew that the point of being honest had arrived. He asked me if I loved him. I told him I didn’t know. I felt numb. I will not forget the look in his eyes. I broke his heart.
When we arrived home I went upstairs alone, shut the door and dropped to my knees. I knew I needed a come-to-Jesus moment. I kept waiting for the husband to leave. He put the kids to bed and then came into our room. He didn’t say much. Just got ready for bed. I was confused, but I kept my mouth shut. He said we’d talk tomorrow.
The next day I talked with my friend. I was trying to explain how…what…why. She prayed with me, told me about taking it to the cross and leaving it in Jesus hands and emphatically told me, “Do not let him leave.” The husband came home and I retreated to my room. It was time to get honest with myself. I had no concept of the cross, so I asked Jesus to show me what she was talking about. I began to see a hill, with a cross. I walked toward the cross. I touched his feet. Then he was standing next to me. “Nail it to the cross” he said. Nail it. I looked at him. I had nothing left to lose…nothing left to give. I looked at the cross. I walked to the cross and nailed the thing that held me bound to the cross. That vision changed the core of who I am. I knew that no matter what happened, I was forever changed, loved by the only one who could love me.
When Abba’s love touches you that deep you’re willing to do and say things because the love is so amazing. A few nights later I was talking with him. He says to me, “I want you to love him. Even if he leaves you. “ WHAT? You want ME to break down this wall, let my heart feel love for someone, even if they don’t love me back? My protest lasted about 10 seconds. I realized, Abba had done that for me. So, I made a decision to love the husband, even if he left me. Then prayed like crazy that he would grant me the strength to make that happen!
Because I already had plans to attend the 2:1 conference in May, we decided to not make any decision until later. We both looked forward to the break from one another. May 2nd I got on a plane and headed East. I had no idea what Abba had planned for me. I only knew that he loved me and I had made a promise to love a man who had every right to leave me.