I won’t give up on us.*
The words pound through my head. I am tired. So very tired of not being enough. Not being who I think I should be. Not doing what I should do. I give up. My heart stops beating. I cease to believe in a love story. In the goodness of the Father. In the wisdom of his power to bring together. I reject the one gift that I want the most.
Even if the skies get rough.
I tell myself that sometimes, love isn’t enough. I believe a lie. I swallow it down. And it creeps into every pore of my soul. I turn my back on myself … my love … my life. I let the words I swore I’d never say, slip from my mouth. Words. I can’t take back.
I’m giving you all my love.
Love. I don’t know if I love. I don’t even know if I know what love is. I don’t even know if I want love at this point. I am numb. Words are now my weapons. I use them with a vengeance. No turning back. No way out.
I’m still looking up.
This song is driving me crazy. Enough. I’m not giving all my love. I don’t have anything left in me to give. I’m done pretending. I’m just done.
Isn’t it interesting that when you are done things change?
A note arrives. What I wanted. So why does it hurt so much? Pain explodes through my soul. I feel it. There’s no turning back. I asked for this. Now, I get to experience it. But this isn’t what I wanted.
I cry inside. I smile on the outside. I die. Yet I live. And the whole time this song goes through my mind. Again. And Again.
I had to learn what I’ve got, and what I’m not, and who I am
I cannot speak. I cannot feel. I cannot pray. I’m barely breathing. I whimper. Make me empty. Break me. Make me lonely. Just please, Lord, please heal me.
He moves slowly. I learn to be patient. I learn to accept that sometimes the consequences of my choices just have to be faced.
A friend prays with me. We weep. She tells me that Jesus nails my sin to the cross. Nail this to the cross she says. I look at her. I don’t have a concept of nailing anything to a cross. We dismissed the cross.
In the midst of a moment of intense pain I cry out. PLEASE, please help me. I see a cross. I walk to it. I take the pain. I nail it to the cross. I collapse.
My will has been broken.
I begin to open my heart. To being loved. To love. To be vulnerable. Jesus gently tells me, “I want you to love, even if they leave.”
You are asking me, to give my heart, only to be rejected? Are you KIDDING me?
I obey. In my mind I take it to the cross. I nail it to the cross. I surrender.
And then the Father begins to move. In ways that I never would imagine. A new story in my life begins. And it’s so amazing. It changes. Everything.
*Sung by Jason Mraz. Writer(s): Michael Natter; Copyright: Great Hooks Music