It’s been a rough few days. I’m not sure how to process things properly. It’s really a first world problem. Women, with too much time on their hands, fighting with one another. All calls for common sense and reason are ignored. When you find yourself in the midst trying to lead … the weight can be a bit much.
It’s left me reeling and searching my own heart.
What does it mean to be Jesus hands and feet, when they revile you? What is it to turn the other cheek when they say your faith is unbiblical? What is it to bite your tongue when they mock you and question your intentions?
Is it really about what I believe? Whether I think the God of the Universe uses evolution to set his plans in motion or just whispers a word? Is it really about how I feel treating another human being with respect, even if they are sexually attracted to the same gender, is far more righteous than condemnation? Is it really about labels, and divisions and political fighting?
I am having a hard time reconciling Abba with their words … their deeds … their actions. The harder I try to proclaim my Jesus, the louder they drown me out.
I keep hearing “If the world hates you, know that it has hated me before it hated you.”
I don’t want to be hated. I want to be loved. I don’t want to hate. I want to love.
That’s the problem. My worth, my being is being placed in the approval of human beings. Humans who cannot look past their own narrow-minded viewpoint to see the other person standing right in front of them. I am not looking toward the one…the one in whom I can find my worth.
I felt like I was called to show them a different way. A way to support and encourage one another IN SPITE of the differences. In many ways I have failed.
It leaves a hole in my heart and an ache in my soul.
I long to tell them of the freedom. The freedom that comes when you put aside differences. When you quit trying to tell others how to live their lives and just love them where they are. When you realize that you are one breath away from death and life is too short to waste on condemning someone else.
Abba is much larger than we humans limit him. He uses the simple things to confound the wise. Who are we to say that he doesn’t like tattoos, indie music or a good ale from the local brewery? Who are we to say that we are greater than our Creator? He says he loves us. We say, “He loves me…but not you.”
I may not be a theologian. I don’t believe a lot of Orthodox ideas. But I know Jesus. And I know what it’s like to be so loved by him that he changes your life. I know what it’s like to be so deeply hurt that death is the only answer…and he makes you want to live. I know what it’s like to be wounded by another person’s words and hear him say, “Do you know how much I love you?” I know the ache when someone walks away because they “can’t agree” with me…and he’s right there, arms open wide, “Let me heal that.”
I’m just a simple girl with a simple faith. I believe my Jesus loves all of us. No matter what our sin looks like. He loves us. And because he loves me, I will love you. I will give you the space to live your life the way you live it.
At the end of the day…even if I’m theologically incorrect … Jesus loves me. That just has to be enough.