Some days are harder than others.
A message out of the blue. A slap in the face. A reminder that no matter how much I pretend, the past just doesn’t stay away.
I’m so exhausted. I’m tired. I don’t want to explain myself to others any longer. I no longer want to tell you why I do what I do. I no longer want to justify my behaviors, which keep me safe, to make you feel justified with your own.
In the midst of all this emotional chaos I decided to just stop. Yes. I’m tired. But only because I let this person exhaust me. So I began posting inspirational quotes. I stumbled upon this one.
When I allow others to manipulate me through their words I choose to hide my light. When I don’t react the way they wish me to, then I let my light shine.
I am strong. I am stronger than I thought I was. I just spent the most amazing three days with my husband. I am loved beyond all measure. I refuse to be dragged back into the pit of despair from which I came.
Some days are hard. But sometimes those hard days are what remind me of just how far I have come and where I am heading.
I still haven’t responded. To allegations that are simply not fair or true. My heart still hurts. It hurts when a family member speaks ill of you. It hurts to know that the person who contributed to your mere existence cannot remember things he should. It hurts to feel that no matter how much I forgive, love and extend myself, it’s going to be manipulated and twisted to hurt me again and again.
Four years I’ve blogged and shared my raw emotions. Four years I’ve walked through the anger and pain and forgiveness. I’ve always been angriest that I had no choice in this story … that I wasn’t given the opportunity to say good-bye. To be blamed for my father’s “mistake” and his ensuing loneliness … is … beyond painful.
The thing is…that I’m grieving. And this grief has set in like a mighty mountain that I cannot possibly bear. To realize that I have to let go of everything … that I’ll never get what it is that I always wanted … it’s a grief that is overwhelming. This just poured salt into the wounds that I’m desperately working on healing.
I want to be left alone. With my husband who loves me and my children and my family and my friends. I no longer want to be defined by who my father is and what he did and the place that he will spend his last days on earth.
I am absolutely. Totally. Done.