Today. Today is a bittersweet day. Today my son turns 16. I know he’s not officially an “adult” yet. Still, in some ways this day means the a part of my life is over. I have to let go. Let him be the man he is going to be. And it makes my heart ache like nothing I’ve ever felt before.
I want to stop time. I want to go back to the days where he was a precocious two-year-old. The day when he looked me in the eye and said, “BYE” and went running off. He had people to see. Things to do. It didn’t involve momma holding his hand. I’ve always thought I’ve been a well-balanced momma. Not too motherly. Not too stand-offish.
But when you stand at the edge of a new beginning you begin to wonder if you did the right thing.
Did I teach him enough? Did I help him enough? Did I encourage him enough? Did I love him enough?
Will he be able to fight against the things we’ve fought against for him these last 16 years? Will he face evil and turn it away…or will he embrace it under pressure? Will he be able to stand for what he believes? Will he be able to be who he is and not cave to what society says he should be? Have I trained him in the way he should go?
I want to just have my baby for one second…one minute again…
The time went too fast. I didn’t treasure it enough. Didn’t savor it. Didn’t embrace the blessing of my son. I was too tired. Too mentally screwed up. Too busy trying to figure out life. While I was trying to get my act together…my son grew up.
I know it’s time to let go. My husband not-so-nicely reminds me that he needs to be a man…not a momma’s boy. That I had my time. It’s over. (Note to husbands ~ don’t say this to your wife if you want to live a long life.)
I’ve talked about this day. I’ve prayed about this day. And it’s here. Now I have to let my son walk on his own two feet. To explore the world. To find his way. To start his own journey.
My momma heart is broken…and happy…all at the same time. How on earth is that possible?
Still, I have to stop myself and remember: this is part of life. My job as a momma is to let them go. So, here’s to my son and the next few years. I hope that what I have done was enough.
Happy Birthday to “The Boy”…my son.