I’m not a believer in hell. Eternal burning and torture. The place of torment and despair. Ok, well I don’t believe in the reality of an actual physical burning hell. Because the reality is that HELL does it exist. It’s not in some mystical hole in the earth…it’s not a place I’ll go if I don’t behave. Hell is a state of mind. It’s a place that any person can find themselves during their lifetime. Hell is the place where I exist right now.
I’ve decided to be honest about who I am and where I’m at. I’m not going to sit in fear of being misjudged any longer. The reality is that human life can be torment…despair…eternal pain. IF I LET IT.
The journey to becoming who I am meant to be has been hard. I thought that leaving my religious fold would be hard. It was. I survived. I thought losing my father would be devastating. It was. I survived.
I survived. I lived through what I thought was impossible. Because HE led me through.
I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me. Phillipians 4:13 (KJV)
I survived, not because I’m strong, but because HE is strong. When I let go of me and clung to him, I was able to survive the fiery darts that troubled my soul.
I’ve been down this road before.
One of my prayers for the last eleven years has been to QUIT taking Zoloft. This drug was my “savior” in the early years. Those years before I had found the freedom I needed to blossom. Those years when too many should bes and too many cannots threatened to send me over the edge. The drug saved my sanity, my marriage and my life.
But there have been consequences. Consequences that I have not wanted. My sensitivity was neutered. My ability to care was tampered. My weight increased through the years.
And still I took that little pill every day like a good girl. All the time hating every second that I was poisoning my body.
I KNOW it was a necessity. But for the last few years I have hated it as much as I hate inequality. It burns my soul. I just do NOT want to take it any longer.
I want to be free. Free to be me. To have those hard days and bad days and the ups and downs of being the incredible female that I was created to be. I no longer want to mask my reality just so I’m acceptable to society’s standards…or even my husband’s standards.
I am Abba’s daughter. It’s HIS standards that I want to meet.
So I prayed…and cried…and knew that one day I’d be freed from this pill. And almost accidentally…the answer came. In the form of a doctor who teases me like my husband. A guy who loves this amazing being I love and adore just as much as me. The one who says, “GOD created your body to heal itself. We are going to get your body to heal you.”
I was excited. The dosage was cut in half. Food issues addressed. Stress levels addressed. Spinal corrections and physical therapy. Every day. Weight started falling off. I was happy to be feeling what I thought normal should be.
Meanwhile…my body chemistry was brewing a storm.
Withdrawing from this medication has been compared to an addict coming off cocaine. Countless times this week I have told my husband I feel like an addict. To which he replies: “You are.” Gee, thanks sweetie.
The truth is that I have been dreading the days that have arrived. The day when the extra “oomph” of a higher dosage meant feeling good. NOW my body has to heal itself. NOW it needs to kick the hormone boosting factory in the butt and get working.
But in the meantime…I wait. And walk through hell. Fighting my mind’s desire to spiral to the bottom. Knowing that I AM strong enough to not let that happen. Dealing with the things about me that drive me nuts. The spiral focus on things that irritate me…until I irritate myself. STOPPING myself. Praying. Quoting scripture. Working out. Eating the things that my body needs and rejecting those that cause inflammation. Inflammation that makes this process hell.
I slip. Eat something that I KNOW will cause a flare up. And I pay. Big time. I can’t even stand myself! BUT, unlike 11 years ago…I’m fighting. THIS is NOT going to get me. 11 years ago I just wanted to die and get the pain over with.
Today. Today I’m fighting like a momma bear protecting her cubs. MY mind is no longer going to get the best of me. I’m going to live through the transition to being healthy once again…to letting my body and it’s unique formula of chemistry and hormones function the exact way my Creator made it to be.
If it means I am quirky and irritating and just plain weird. That’s fine. I have decided that I’m going to be me.
So, I will walk through the hell of this withdrawl. Because I know. I KNOW that on the other side of this path is FREEDOM!