Life has been interesting lately. It started, really, as a knee-jerk reaction to an accusation.
“You are an Addict.”
What? No Way. I don’t drink. Take Drugs. How can a stupid website be an addiction. YOU just don’t understand. I am lonely. I have no one. No friends to turn to offline. Online, I am safe to be me. My feelings can be what they are. I am not judged.
I begin to think that God was an idiot, choosing the exact opposite for a mate.
Then I stop myself. Really? This is the path you want to go down? You REALLY want to go this way? You really want to believe a lie?
A sense of strength poured out. Gently HE tells me to trust. To listen to the man who spends time on his knees. FOR ME. Who loves ME. I realize: I AM THE IDIOT.
So I take a break. I post I’m taking a break on my wall. (Um, think there’s a problem?). I delete the app from my smart phone, my kindle and my laptop.
Holy Cow! My husband DOES know what he’s talking about!
I find myself think something…oh I need to post that on Facebook.
I think of someone…I need to get online and see what they are doing.
I take a picture…this will be GREAT to share!
In one hour I stop myself from “signing on” EIGHT times!
Um, Houston. We DO have a problem.
The loneliness seeps in. Panic begins to set in. What if I don’t know? What if something bad happens? What if I become irrelevant? What if my “friends” are no longer my friends.
I begin to justify. I can’t do this I tell myself. I’m missing out on something. This is 2013…HE just doesn’t GET it. This is the new reality. I embrace it. He does not. He just doesn’t understand.
I start to feel the withdrawls. I miss my friend…her daily encouragement…the pictures of the place I long to be. I miss my sister-in-law and adorable pictures of my growing nephew. I miss my daily fix of who is who and what is what and just what people think about whatever.
I realize. I have a problem. So, I persevere. I do not sign on. Strangely I begin to NOT MISS IT.
The drama. The rage that rises when I read about immorality or the way our country is going to hell in a handbasket. The gossip. The incessant narcissism that Facebook brings out in me.
I don’t miss it a bit.
I get things done. The weight of “too much to do” is lifted. I realize the hours I’ve wasted…are gone.
I weep silently. Ashamed.
I find myself on Facebook to check a scheduling conflict (unfortunately my children’s social schedule is run through Facebook Groups now). I stop myself from clicking on other lists…just to see. NO. I MUST TAKE THIS BREAK.
I find myself enjoying the holidays. No planned photo ops for the blog. No trying to remember moments to increase my Klout score. Just simple moments spent with my kids. Enjoying and savoring every moment. With no agenda.
I fall sick on Christmas Eve. Who gets sick then? Sigh. My family leaves to go to Christmas Eve dinner. I am sad that I’m not there to take pictures. I turn to the screen.
I logon. My brain smiles. Literally. I read a few posts. Say hi. Update my writing team. Then I find myself doing *THAT*. The mindless roaming that leads to my wasting time. Getting into drama. Grieving my soul.
I stop myself. Sign out.
The balance will come again. It’s one day at a time.