What a week…day. When I think that I’m travelling along at a nice steady and easy pace, a tree falls. THUD. Now what do I do? Do I go over it? Around it? Wait for someone to rescue me? Or do I just turn around and go back? Trying to decide leaves me mentally and emotionally exhausted, a wee bit confused and definitely standing in the lava of my own overflowing, exploding mouth.
The daughter of the pastor from BBA died this week. I tried to think of some sterile way of saying that. As if my words can make the reality of death any less horrifying. As if DEATH isn’t a perfectly good word for describing when a life ends way too soon…
Death doesn’t just take the life of a person. It takes the lives of the others around. Their peace. Their joy. Their light. Their sense of who they are.
In my case, it robbed my grandiose idea that I had finally recovered from my jumbled-up childhood. Some may call that good; I simply call it a pain in my arse! (THANK you to a Facebook friend for introducing me to this word.). I was enjoying my delusional world thank you very much. I was simply fine thinking that I no longer needed to mull over past issues…to give someone $200 for listening to me vomit emotionally for 45 minutes…to admit that I am fundamentally SCREWED up. It’s as if God said, “How’s that delusion working for you? Here. Still working?”
Sigh. Sigh. Sigh.
I really am saddened by Mommabird’s death. She was as beautiful as her own Momma who left a hole the size of Texas in my heart when she died in the 90s. I adored her momma. Totally. She was beautiful. To me, she was an angel. My first memories of coming to BBA were of her. Greeting us. Wearing purple. I still think of her when I see purple. I spent many weekends with their family. For some reason I was, in the words of the father, “His pet student.” (Funny, I don’t quite remember it that way.) The phrase makes me hurl, shudder and wince at the same time.
When I stayed the night, I stayed with Mommabird. She would brush my hair. She talked to me. She was so kind to a little girl who desperately wanted a sister. I remember her telling my older brother Bubba was cute. I still remember shyly saying, “Really?”…and grinning because she thought my big brother was cute. Then there are other memories too…where I made her upset. Upset because I couldn’t pronounce ‘e” correctly. Crushed because I disappointed her. Then the memory. When I accepted Jesus into my heart and received the baptism of the Holy Ghost, with evidence of speaking in tongues (covered that earlier, here) during a morning chapel, she was there. Then suddenly one day, she was gone.
In typical BBA fashion, no one talked about it. My question as to where she went, were left, like most questions, unanswered. Occasionally I would see her. She was always the beautiful girl I remembered. I met her daughters at her momma’s memorial…as beautiful as their momma and grandma. My heart ACHES for them. For her family. Friends. For me. I never will get to tell her how much she meant to me as a little girl…
Then I remember….she sent me a message in August this year. A message that brought me tears…and today, it makes me cry some more.
Hey, lady – I wanted to let you know that I have felt for a while now to send you this message. You have been on my heart and I have been thinking of you with thoughts of healing. The road that we have all travelled has been difficult in some ways but I can definitely feel change – change in thought, in my heart, in my compassion and above all, a better and growing perspective on a wonderful, loving, true God, who wants only the best for us. There are angels guiding us to this place of healing, be it in the form of those we see and interact with daily; or those that we can not visually see, but can see with our hearts as well as feel, with the God that is in us. I remember your absolutely beautiful face as a young girl and it is great to see you now, blossoming, beautiful and faithful to God. I send you hugs and love.
I did. I had this opportunity. And I was able to tell her that I loved her…how much it meant for her to send me these words of encouragement. I will be saving this forever…in my scrapbook…in my heart.
And now I can see…that in the ashes of the pain…all the trials of BBA…God has brought beauty.
The healing continues.