It’s funny how you can pray for something and be completely surprised when the prayer is answered. I prayed for the ability to forgive my father. Not for him. Not to release him from his guilt or shame. For me. To release me from carrying the weight of who he is and what he did. To release me from the “what do I do” scenarios that arrive every birthday, holiday or event.
That happened this week. I found myself forgiving him. Feeling compassion not because I’m his daughter…but feeling the Holy Spirit within me feeling compassion for him.
Forgiveness does not equal reconciliation. I have no desire to reconcile our relationship. However, I no longer have the need to continually crucify him in my mind every time I think about him. I just feel…nothing.
A door in my heart opens to peace.
But then a door shuts. I find myself facing another identity-altering experience. One that rocks me to my core. What do I do? How long will this trial last? How will it change my life?
I have no answers. Just lots of questions, lots of fear. Tons of fear. Fear that if I allow it will overwhelm and crush me.
I am determined to not let this fear crush me. Not this time.